Perishables! Come Congregate in the Cold!
Little Hot Waves, Or, Let’s Get Brain Cancer While We Wait For The Popcorn
Mix Your Drinks! (Stir! Whip! Purée!)
A Configuration of Whisks Which, When Activated, Allow Sufjan Stevens to Cook a Fluffier Omelette
Toaster (For the Toastless)
you guys look like a shitty boy band that hasn’t practiced in 15 years
FEATURING the REALLY OLD GUY WITH RETRACTABLE CLAWS
the ANGSTY OLD MAN WITH A METAL ARM
the PATRIOTIC GRANDPA
and the AVERAGE-AGE BOW AND ARROW DUDE
- Wilde would whisper flowery sweet nothings in your ear during foreplay but then have his very dirty way with you
- Fitzgerald would spend like an hour bragging about how good he was and then come much too soon
- Shakespeare would make up positions on the spot but they’d be awesome
- Doyle would please you once and then complain when you kept asking him to do the same thing over and over again
- Hemingway would explain in no uncertain terms exactly what he was going to do, and do exactly one very simple act, but goddamn if it wasn’t the best time you’ve had in years anyways
- Joyce would take FOREVER but eventually satisfy you
- Rand would make you do all the work yourself
- Poe would cry
- Milton would complain about politics and you’d fall asleep before anything would happen.
- Woolf would do all these crazy, weird experimental things and then sleep, leaving you wide awake and stunned, not sure if you want more or if you’d never do that again.
- Lawrence would do things that he THINKS you’d like, but in reality it’s nothing you’d like at all.
- Austen would say some polite, serene sounding things before but then after you’d realize what she ACTUALLY had meant.
- George Eliot would confuse you because you thought you were getting in bed with a guy but he’s actually a women and then she’d laugh manically at your confused self.
- Dickens would role play.
I want a movie about a guy who runs for president and wins but then suddenly realizes that he doesn’t want to be president, so he just starts doing ridiculous things all the time trying to get impeached, but it NEVER WORKS because they always miraculously end up being the right thing to do. Like, he declares war on Canada? Next day it turns out that Canada had secret plans to nuke Washington. he bans Doritos? Turns out they’re the number one cause of cancer and natural disasters. He sends his vice president to jail? Turns out the VP was a terrorist in disguise. He has 100% approval rating, most popular president ever.
I’ve decided that I want him to be played by Jeff Goldblum.
This sounds so passive aggressive. Like, how dare they make New York fun again only to leave. The nerve of those two.
you better czechoslovakia before you wreckyoslovkia